My name is Jordan and this is my journal. It comes straight from the journal I keep with me at all times and write in everyday. Some things you should know. I am a girl. I am a lesbian. I love music. I'm a huge nerd. I suffer from general anxiety, OCD, and I have Bipolar II disorder (rapid cycling). Hence the journaling. I want to get better and this is my first step. Care to come on this journey with me? Welcome to the depths of my mind. Welcome To Insanity.
So much has happened in the last week. Last Friday there was a pep rally, I sat with my girlfriend and we left together so I told her I was going to Science Club and asked if she wanted to come. So she did. It lasted like 30 minutes, so we got out of there around 2:45. Then we hung out by the lockers with a few friends from club and when they left we sat against the lockers and just talked. She talked, opened up to me, and I just sat there watching her and holding her hand, thinking that I could stay this way forever. That was when I realized that I’m in love with her, but that will come up later. So before we know it it’s 10 to 5 and my dad calls to tell me to pick my little sister up from her school. So I’m like shit we gotta go. We get over to the school pick her up, drive back to the house, and I ask her if she wants to hand or if she needs to get home. She checks her phone… she’d had her phone on silent and had missed 8 calls from her mom. To say that her mom flipped shit is an understatement. I drove Domo home. The look of utter fear and panic on her face scared me.. I never want to see her that scared again, and I don’t think she would have been as scared if it weren’t for me, she knew that her mom was going to take her phone, so we would have no way to communicate outside of school, and she was afraid her mom would go through our texts and find out a lot of stuff about me that she can’t know.. Her mom would think that her daughter is dating a wackjob. It’s kind of true but I’m not like completely off the walls crazy. I’m a lot smarter and more down to earth than a lot of “normal” people.
Anyway, so she called me about 10 minutes after I got home. She needed to talk to someone and her grandmother wasn’t picking up her phone. So we talked, she was really panicky when I first got on the phone with her, but as we kept talking she calmed down a lot and we just talked, and talked, and talked. When I got off of the phone with her it was around 9. Her mom actually got on the phone and (awkward) thought I was Domo’s younger brother Jordan, apparently we sound alike… So the next morning her mom had her call me to apologize on her behalf for like yelling at me haha. So Saturday morning we talked for a little over 2 hours. And then I didn’t hear from her until like 1:50 in the morning, she sent me this really long message over Facebook, in which she told me that SHE LOVES ME. She said it about 6 times actually haha. I wasn’t expecting it, but I was like holy shit yes! I never, ever say it first cuz I’m a pussy and don’t want to put myself out there, and I have a HUGE fear of rejection and abandonment.. so yeah.
Sunday I spent the entire day cleaning and reorganizing my room, like from the time I got up until I finally finished at like 9, took a shower, and ate something. My room looks so much better now though, I love it. And I plan to keep it this organized for a long time :) So I waited that whole day, whilst cleaning, for her to send me another message so I could send her the massive reply I typed up. Then around 4:30 my phone went off and it was her. I was like I… what?… how?? lol. She’d had a heart to heart with her mom, who up until that point hadn’t accepted the fact that she’s gay, and still probably doesn’t completely. So yeah, got her phone back yada yada.
Sandy is a bitch. Our choir concert was cancelled because of that stupid ass hurricane. Then there was no school Tuesday and that’s a Y day <3 so I was a little pissed about that too. Those two days were brutal. I cut. Like legit cut, on Tuesday.
Then came Halloween. It was a horrible day of school. After though I had tutoring with my calc teacher who is fucking awesome and quirky and hyper and I love her. She gave me a crash course on everything we’ve learned so far and wrote everything we were doing down so I could have like a notes packet. It was awesome. It made my day so much better, especially after I found out that Domo couldn’t come over :( but then… I got home and called her and she told me that her mom said that she’d drop her at my house on her way to talk the boys trick or treating. So I took my little sisters to get pumpkins, then came back, took a shower, and listened to music until she called and actually told me to come pick her up, so I did. I met her mom. She was like “Oh she is cute.” :3 aw shucks. Haha. So we came back to my house, hung out, she took one of my cubes, all scrambled up, and refused to give it back lol. We wrestled over it until she stuck it down her shirt and said don’t you dare, my boobs are my babies. haha. Best part of the night though was when we were up in my room, like 20 minutes before I had to take her home, listening to music. I leaned to far onto my side and my jeans rubbed up against the cuts, so I jumped up and winced. I was like, I’m debating whether or not to show you the scars on my legs, she’s going to see them sooner or later.. Then she surprised me. She was laying on my bed and I was standing next to it. She points to my arm with all the scars and says that right there, I don’t see those. I was like uh what? You don’t see those? Yeah I can’t see them they don’t exist. Then I realized that she was trying to tell me that she didn’t care about my scars, she doesn’t want me to hurt myself but my scars don’t matter, they don’t change her opinion of me at all. It is the single greatest thing anyone has ever said to me out of love. I kept repeating what she said, getting closer and closer until our foreheads were touching. Then I brought my face down about 2 inches away from hers to meet her eyes. At that point I couldn’t NOT kiss her. So I did. And it was fucking amazing. It was the BEST first kiss I’ve ever had. We kissed for a good minute, minute and a half before we both realized that my door was open (not that I care) and that I had to take her home soon. I wanted to kiss her again, and keep kissing her, and never stop, but yeah. But for a few seconds afterward we just kind of looked at each other with these goofy grins on our faces and it was beautiful. God, she’s so fucking beautiful and I love her. I really do.
Thursday was a day like any other. I had therapy though. I moved it to Thurs. so I could spend halloween with Domo.
Yesterday was just, awesome haha. After school both Domo and I had tutoring, and I had to take a quiz. I felt bad because she finished before me so she had to wait for me :( merp. So then I took her home and she invited me up to the house, and then into the house, we stood in the doorway haha. My car was parked right in the middle of their super long driveway, you know the ones that have two houses branching off. Her best friend lives next door. I actually became friends with Jillian before I knew Domo. But yeah. So I met all of her brothers. All 5 of them. Yeah, 5. And her mother is pregnant with her 7th child, a girl. The oldest of the boys (Domo is the oldest child though) is a douche. All her other brothers are rambunctious but cool. They make me miss my brothers. Her youngest brother is a baby. At one point he was crying and Domo couldn’t get him to stop so she was like Jordan you’re the baby whisperer come figure out what he wants. As soon as I picked him up he stopped crying. lolol. He’s a little cutie. Oh and the biggest shocker to me. Her mom actually didn’t mind my being there. She was cool with me being in the house and I actually kind of integrated and helped out with the boys and stuff. It was nice. I liked being there. I was about to leave though, and Domo had my keys -.- like I wanted to leave, hell no! lol. So we were chilling by the cars, in the freezing fucking cold, and she’s always warm so I like leaned up against her and was legit about to fall asleep on her shoulder. We had really random conversations and looked up at the stars and I wanted to kiss her so bad, but then her dad was pulling in and I needed to leave so I missed my chance.. I told her in a text when I got home and she was like yeah I know me too that’s why I went behind the cars but then I punked out and just stood there and didn’t do anything. lol. That was the only part of the day/night that disappointed me.
Oh and THEN when I got home one of my best friends, Joshie, called and asked to hang. So he came over and we chilled and listened to music and danced to a bunch of different stuff with my sisters and my youngest sister’s friend. It was great. I was like, man I love my life so much right now. I’m about to get ready to go to Domo’s soccer game.
And I do, I do love my life so much right now <3
Yesterday started out as a great day. It was a Y day so I got to see my girlfriend a lot and we have one class together on Y days. We had a pep rally and we were together for that. Then afterward I was going to science club so I asked her if she wanted to come with me. That lasted about an hour then we chilled in the locker area with a friend and talked and laughed etc. He left so we sat against the last row of lockers where we could see into the senior courtyard and across to the cafeteria area.
We just sat and talked. Well.. she talked a lot and I think she got a lot out that she needed to. I listened and I spoke when it was necessary, but just to listen to her and know more and more about her with each word that passed her lips made me so happy. Plus I could pretty much hold her hand and gaze at her while she talks for hours.. and I kinda did haha. We both have a lot of problems and I think her’s are actually a lot worse than mine in most ways. So, my dad calls me at like 4:55 and reminds me that I have to pick my sister up. So we left the school and drove over to my sister’s school, picked her up, and went back to my house. Livi got out and I asked Domo (my girlfriend’s nickname) if she wanted to stay and hang out or if she needed to get home. So she thinks about it and then checks her phone.
Her mom had called 8 times but her phone was on silent. Her mom chewed her out over the phone. I drove her home. Her brothers were outside so she goes “I have to go, I would kiss you but my brothers are right here and they don’t know.” The only people in her family that she’s told are her mother and her grandmother. When she told her mother FOR THE THIRD TIME, that she’s gay, she told her mom she had a crush on me, used my name, and so her mother knows that we’re more than just friends… she’s less than happy about the fact that her daughter is gay.
So Domo got her phone and iPod taken away, I thought we would have no way of communicating until school on Monday. Until like 5 minutes after I got home I got a call from some number I didn’t know. Then I got a message from her on facebook telling me that she was going to call from some (our area code) number. A few minutes later she called again. She needed to talk, she self harms and after getting screamed at by her mom and panicking about how badly she’d just screwed up and what would happen next. For me it wouldn’t be that bad if I had done it, but her mother, for lack of a better term, is disgusted with her and doesn’t like the fact that she’s gay, the fact that I was involved just made it worse.
So she called me and we were on the phone for about 3 hours which was so great, she was so on edge when she got on the phone, and as we talked I think both of our anxiety levels dropped so much. I love talking to her, I can say anything and she’ll just accept it, accept me, and I’m the same way with her. We have the heaviest conversations, but we can do a complete 180 and talk about the most random things and be completely comfortable with each other no matter the topic. Just the fact that we were talking to each other, not over text, actually talking to each other for about 5 almost 6 hours straight, with a few breaks here and there because other people called and what not. It was great.
.. That is until things went from bad to worse and her mother picked up the phone and I didn’t realize it was her, so naturally I responded to the hello, and then she said Jordan? and I said yeah… and then she said who are you talking to I was like what?? and then she pretty much screamed who are you talking to and who are you at me.. then I realized it was her mom and I hung up. I was so so worried.. the rest of the night was spent being extremely worried and trying to keep myself from cutting. I didn’t, I ended up passing out pretty early. Next thing I know I’m waking up to the sound of the glee version of call me maybe in my ear at 9 in the morning. Domo was calling. I picked up the phone kind of in a haze and she told me that her mom told her to call me and that her mom wanted her to apologize for yelling at me on her behalf. She’d thought that I was Domo’s brother who has the same name as me and apparently our voices sound exactly alike. So before I started typing this I had been on the phone with her for almost 2 and a half hours. I just… I could wake up to the sound of her voice every day and be the happiest person alive haha :)
This damn hurricane is supposed to hit tomorrow I think and I’ll be really pissed if we have no school Monday and Tuesday and I’ll REALLY be pissed if there’s no school Wednesday.. that would completely ruin my Halloween plans with Domo, if they are still able to happen. I really hope her mom comes around at least enough to let us be together and not do anything to separate us. I really like her and I care about her, I may even fall in love with her at some point in the near future, and I don’t want us to be split up and lose something that means so much to me. I don’t want to lose her and then spiral because I worry about what she’s doing to herself… I feel responsible in a way, If she didn’t have a crush on me, if she hadn’t come out to her mother, she wouldn’t be in the situation she is now. She wouldn’t be shunned by her mother and only acknowledged when she is being told to do something or yelled at by her. I really wish things could be different for her.. We talked about the fact that her parents wanted to kick her out last week but they ended up not doing it and how she almost wishes that they would just kick her out because the only reason they keep her there is because she watches her 5 brothers. Otherwise her parents wouldn’t care, they just think she’s a fuck up. She’s not.
She’s gonna call me back later and I kind of want her mother to know that it was my fault yesterday. Even though she missed the calls, I forgot about picking my sister up, I should have taken her home first and this whole mess would not have happened.
If anything happens that causes us to break up when neither of us wants that to happen, and we don’t, I will be livid.. It’s just ridiculous to deny someone happiness as long as it doesn’t involve harming anyone else or themselves. I hope her mom comes to her senses, I really do, or and I don’t mean this to be taken in the wrong way, kicks her out so that she can be around people that will accept her for who she is.
I’m going to remember this day. As of today October 22, I have a girlfriend :)
I was so fucking awkward when I asked her out but that’s okay XD i’m a dork and we both know it so it’s all good.
I can’t stop smiling..
they up’d my lithium dosage to 1200mg so I feel even more like a crazy mother fucker. Also I had to deal with my dad being my mom’s bitch and her whining about everything and playing the victim even though she fucked up her own life, it’s no one else’s fault but her own. I love my dad, but he needs to stop giving in to what she wants because he’s afraid she’ll get so depressed that she’ll hurt herself. It hurts me that she keeps hurting him when all he’s ever done is love her and try to be compassionate even when she doesn’t deserve it. She needs to learn that she can’t have her cake and eat it too. Life is hard, you fucked up, it sucks, move the fuck on and take control of your life, and take responsibility for your own damn actions.
Then she came to the house and noticed that all of the pictures of her and my dad together were taken down. She got all upset and started yelling at him about it. I got so pissed that I went to say something and then they told me to go somewhere so I went into
my room and chucked my eye glass case (first thing I could find haha) at the wall.. A couple times. She left all upset and offended. Um excuse me bitch what did you expect?!? You hurt him! You hurt all of us!!!
I can’t even. I was so pissed. But I think that being happy about my new relationship kind of diminished the anger a little. I think that (and throwing tiny fireworks called pop-its on my driveway, thank you Mr.M!!) kept me from cutting because that’s all I wanted to fuckin do hah.
And yet somehow I’m still elated :) i have Halloween horror movie night plans with a cute girl so I’m pretty happy with life haha. I get to see my girlfriend every day in school. I’m pretty damn happy about that. My mom is out of this house and after wednesday will be moved into her place and hopefully out of my life unless and until I want her to be in it. Happy Jordan is Happy :)
Y Days in school are going to be my best friend ;) woo!
So I haven’t posted in a while and there’s a reason… I didn’t want to talk about something but I will now.
My parents split up again. My mother is a crazy bitch whore. That’s not just a bunch of random insulting words either. Those three words accurately describe my mother. She cheated on my dad again. This time he’s not taking her back. We spent a lot of today packing up her shit so she can get it and get the fuck out for good. I mean I still love my mom, because she’s my mom, and part of me can’t help but be sympathetic because I know that she’s struggling with bipolar disorder just as I am. But, I hate her for what she’s done and the way she treats not only my dad, but pretty much everyone who cares about her.
So after my dad found out that she’d been cheating still, she became all suicidal and asked him to bring her to the hospital, and from there went to the same mental hospital I was in. I went to visit her. It was extremely hard, I was anxious the whole time, everything reminded me of how much I miss everyone I met there and even being there. I knew she wanted to see me though so I went. It ended up being really awkward and I spent the entire time trying not to cry and holding back every negative thing I wanted to say to her.
It’s gotten better the past couple days. Mainly because there’s a girl that likes me who finally mustered up the courage to talk to me, so I gave her my number and we’ve been texting nonstop ever since. She’s pretty amazing. I really like her and I’m probably going to ask her out sometime soon. The best thing is that she actually goes to my school, that’s a fucking first haha. Everyone I’ve liked (who is actually gay) has either lived in a different state, county, or gone to a different school. Y days are going to be my best friend XD I can’t wait to see her on Monday… :)
oh and the best part. She understands me!! We’ve been through some of the same things so we can relate. I feel like I can tell her anything and I have told her some stuff that usually takes me a while to tell people. Like about my suicide attempt and hospitalization, my pedophile father, and my fucked up broken, dysfunctional family. I can be myself with her and it’s really great. Just… yeah, she’s pretty friggin amazing.
Today… Err well yesterday as of 19 minutes ago… Was the worst day I’ve had in a while, and that was a pretty high fucking bar. There was no particularly terrible thing that happened either. I just woke up in a horrible mood, I was depressed, suicidal thoughts running rampant, urges to cut off the charts, and school is making me stressed as fuck. I had to take a quiz in calculus today and I got so stressed out and didn’t know what I was doing, so I wrote on the top of it “I am honestly trying my best but I have no idea what I’m doing and all of this is probably wrong. I’m sorry for giving up and not finishing but I’m getting stressed out to a point I don’t want to reach.” And I turned it in with like 5 problems unfinished 3 of which were completely blank, and there were only 11 problems. So I walked out of there to leave school around 3:15ish, and I just wanted to die. That sounds extreme and it is, I don’t know why I would go there, but school is so important to me. Not being able to do my work and get good grades is figuratively killing me inside.
The only thing that stopped me from cutting when I got home, or at all today, was my friend Julia whom I met in the hospital I went to after I attempted suicide in June. Her and Megan are my girls, we keep each other safe, as best we can, since we live hours away from each other. But she checked up on me every hour during school and then we were texting after I got out of school until I calmed down and started to feel safe again.
Then I started having crazy rapid mood swings which is annoying as fuck. It’s been happening a lot in the past week or so. I’ll be all smiley and laughing one minute and then pissed off or wanting to fling myself off of a bridge the next. It’s a bit scary.
Something in me was telling me (subconsciously, not like a voice) not to take my meds all day today, and I almost didn’t. That would have been really bad. I missed my night meds once and it threw me off for days.
I’m kind of rambling… Sorry. When I start to annoy myself with how manic I am, jumping from one thing to another and going off in all different directions, it’s time to stop. So goodnight everyone.. I hope your days were better than mine.. Even though I sound like a punk, my day wasn’t that bad.. It’s all in my mind and unfortunately I can’t control that :/
Buenas noches me amores
So a quick update. I’m all wrapped up in my Brittana feels and Glee pretty much ripped my heart out on Thursday. Secondly, I found out that apparently Ana is in a relationship and I’m not the kind of person to be vindictive and hurt someone else just to get what I want, so that hurt a little. My friend Jules and I are talking again :) I miss her a lot. We were in the hospital together. I love her to death and honestly I might, maybe, kinda like her a little but she’s younger and lives pretty damn far away which sucks. She makes me feel like I can do anything though, she believes in me. It’s mutual. She’s an amazing person, even though she doesn’t see it.
My suicidal thoughts are looming. I can feel them trying to work their way out of the shadows. I’m finding myself doing stupid things like leaving my seatbelt off and hoping we get into an accident. I have a passing thought of driving into oncoming traffic. I’m constantly anxious and constantly wanting to cut…
I had myself fooled. I though things were getting better, it was just a hiatus. Now the demons that plague my mind are back, refreshed, and ready to tear my sanity apart piece by piece, or maybe just convince me to finish the job for them.
On a slightly happier note I’m going to homecoming. I’m going to wear a button down shirt and tie and pants yada yada. I spent a couple hours on wednesday trying on some of my best friend’s button down shirts and once with a tie. I was positively beaming when I saw how I looked in it. I felt like this was me, how I was supposed to be. My mom doesn’t like it, she’s stuck in the traditional gender roles mindset, but I know who I am, I’m a woman and the way I dress doesn’t make me any more or less of a woman. I’m not “trying to be a guy” I’m trying to be me.
So that’s the gist of what you’ve missed.
So today was interesting. Psychology wasn’t the same without Ana. I took extremely thorough notes for her. I think I put more effort into typing up those notes for her than I do with my own homework ever haha.
I got out of school early today to go to therapy… Turns out I had it in my calendar wrong and it’s actually on Wednesday. So… I took a trip to my biological father’s house. I haven’t been there in almost 6 years. I drove by and I almost started crying… I drove through the neighborhood and turned onto a street to stop and call my mom. I ended up in front of the elementary school that my youngest brother probably goes to. The school we used to take bike rides to, to play on the jungle gym and basketball court. I couldn’t… I called my mom and told her and then got out of there… I debated going back one more time and passing by the house but I just kept going. I had that feeling you get when you want and need to cry but you just can’t, all the way home.
I was pretty shaken up. I still kind of am.
This may be unrelated but I feel like my skin is vibrating. Like I want to jump out of my skin. I’m really shaky too, and I keep flip-flopping between super hyper and happy and really depressed. I did 200 sit ups earlier to try to calm myself down (and I’m trying to get my rock hard abs back haha). Now I just feel like cutting and then keeling over and dying. Bah!
I’m watching Glee Season 2 cuz I can’t sleep and I really just want to listen to “Mine” and “The Scientist” on repeat, curl up in the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep. Done :(
I’m still in constant pain and it’s steadily getting worse. I went to school today and barely made it through. I pretty much wanted to leave from the time I stepped out of first block. The only reason I went to school was to make a playdoh brain in first block AP Psych and see the girl with that gorgeous smile and wonderfully infectious laughter.
It’s interesting how my being gay or something about LGBT stuff comes up in conversation between our little group a LOT. That usually doesn’t happen with me, I’m not big on flaunting the fact that I’m gay. I crack jokes about it when it’s appropriate because I know all my friends are cool with it, but I don’t really seriously talk about it that much. I feel like that’s just a coincidence but I wish it meant something more, that she could possibly be? but I’m pretty damn sure she’s straight and it sucks. I hugged her at lunch today and it was like an awkward side hug which I usually hate, and while she was walking. she like wrapped her arms around me close to my waist from the side and yet it was a hug verging on my level haha. I pride myself on my amazing hugs, everyone tells me I give the best hugs so it’s like the one thing I somewhat brag about haha. Anyway, when she hugged me… *sigh* I really wish… I don’t want to do anything to ruin the friendship that’s building between us though, she’s amazing and we hit it off right away.
There’s just so much in my life right now that’s just out of my reach and I only have so long to find the strength to grasp it, patience isn’t an option. I’m too afraid to risk losing what I already have though. Life is going okay, not particularly well but not bad at all and I don’t want to send myself into a downward spiral again by trying for things that I shouldn’t or can’t have/achieve. It’s unfortunate but I think that maybe if I do allow for a little patience and let the little things go then I’ll be alright.
With this girl, she’s so smart and kind and caring and just amazing all around despite her faults. I drop subtle hints and apparently I’m a natural flirt and I do it without realizing it, so with her I’m trying not to to a certain extent, but it’s hard not to flirt when I like her so much. Ugh, and I haven’t even known her for that long, she just moved here from California. Her family is military, like 75% of the families where I live (it’s right off of a Marine Corps. base). I just… uuuugh. I gotta remember that I can’t always get what I want and sometimes I shouldn’t, but I want this more that anything right now. And I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m just torturing myself..
I’m gonna stop typing now, this is pretty much useless, pathetic word vomit.
So I went to the doctor today. They gave me an antibiotic for my cold. I’ve also been having these pains that feel like someone’s kicking me in the diaphragm/upper stomach area and radiate down my sides and back. It’s pretty much constant now. They took blood for testing, I won’t get the results for at least 2days though so until then I guess I’ll just be chillin here in excruciating pain. No big deal whatsoever.
Fuck everything about this shit.
We’re making playdoh brains in psych tomorrow so I CAN’T miss that! Blaaaarg! Woo! And I get to see a certain pretty face I don’t think I’ve mentioned yet. Maybe soon ;) I’m pretty sure she’s straight though. *shrug* either way she’s gorgeous and a great friend.
I’m exhausted! Night guys!
Nothing like Brittana fanfic to remind me of my ex and then really throw it in my face by bringing her favorite poem that I still know by heart into it. Not cool Sappho’s Ghost. Amazing story though. It’s called Influence. It’s from Brittany’s perspective and shows the relationship between the girls in a whole new light and gives a brilliant explanation for what everyone believe’s to be Brittany’s typical dumb blonde stupidity. Beautiful, heart wrenching story.