My name is Jordan and this is my journal. It comes straight from the journal I keep with me at all times and write in everyday. Some things you should know. I am a girl. I am a lesbian. I love music. I'm a huge nerd. I suffer from general anxiety, OCD, and I have Bipolar II disorder (rapid cycling). Hence the journaling. I want to get better and this is my first step. Care to come on this journey with me? Welcome to the depths of my mind. Welcome To Insanity.
I’m still in constant pain and it’s steadily getting worse. I went to school today and barely made it through. I pretty much wanted to leave from the time I stepped out of first block. The only reason I went to school was to make a playdoh brain in first block AP Psych and see the girl with that gorgeous smile and wonderfully infectious laughter.
It’s interesting how my being gay or something about LGBT stuff comes up in conversation between our little group a LOT. That usually doesn’t happen with me, I’m not big on flaunting the fact that I’m gay. I crack jokes about it when it’s appropriate because I know all my friends are cool with it, but I don’t really seriously talk about it that much. I feel like that’s just a coincidence but I wish it meant something more, that she could possibly be? but I’m pretty damn sure she’s straight and it sucks. I hugged her at lunch today and it was like an awkward side hug which I usually hate, and while she was walking. she like wrapped her arms around me close to my waist from the side and yet it was a hug verging on my level haha. I pride myself on my amazing hugs, everyone tells me I give the best hugs so it’s like the one thing I somewhat brag about haha. Anyway, when she hugged me… *sigh* I really wish… I don’t want to do anything to ruin the friendship that’s building between us though, she’s amazing and we hit it off right away.
There’s just so much in my life right now that’s just out of my reach and I only have so long to find the strength to grasp it, patience isn’t an option. I’m too afraid to risk losing what I already have though. Life is going okay, not particularly well but not bad at all and I don’t want to send myself into a downward spiral again by trying for things that I shouldn’t or can’t have/achieve. It’s unfortunate but I think that maybe if I do allow for a little patience and let the little things go then I’ll be alright.
With this girl, she’s so smart and kind and caring and just amazing all around despite her faults. I drop subtle hints and apparently I’m a natural flirt and I do it without realizing it, so with her I’m trying not to to a certain extent, but it’s hard not to flirt when I like her so much. Ugh, and I haven’t even known her for that long, she just moved here from California. Her family is military, like 75% of the families where I live (it’s right off of a Marine Corps. base). I just… uuuugh. I gotta remember that I can’t always get what I want and sometimes I shouldn’t, but I want this more that anything right now. And I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m just torturing myself..
I’m gonna stop typing now, this is pretty much useless, pathetic word vomit.
Busy busy busy. I hate being busy. Today was one of those days you know? But I was running early for everything so that gave me a little down time between all the running around.
Therapy today was just, meh. I felt like I just couldn’t stop talking but then there were these really awkward pauses and I would be staring straight at him and then linger just long enough to make myself start to feel awkward and then he would say something before I got the chance to look away. It was awkward. Awkward. Lol.
There’s this person who always double parks their car there. I always want to say something or leave them a note. So today I went straight from school so I had paper and a pen on me. I wrote “your car isn’t special! Stop double parking douchebag” and stuck it on their windshield. I felt better haha. I doubt they’ll stop but I tried. Is what it is.
The more the past comes back to bite me in the ass, the more I long to be in a relationship again. I’m making myself feel lonely.
Need. Companionship. Now. Aaagh.
It’s flustering. Someday… I just hope it’s sooner rather than later. Now that I’ve settled into school I’m becoming more stable and my mind is starting to progress toward being in the right place. I mean hey, I got into a screaming match with my mom for the first time in a couple MONTHS (that’s kind of a big deal) and I didn’t cut! I stopped myself. I wanted to but I just let it go and it felt good. Amongst all the chaos I found some control in not allowing myself to resort to cutting. It’s kind of a paradox but it’s a good thing! I’m not happy about or proud of the fight, but I took a huge step there and I am proud of that. I’m getting better day by day. I want to share that with someone. Someone who will understand and love me despite my faults, though they are huge and quite plentiful. I just want someone to experience life with. Maybe not forever, but as long as I have them in the present moment that’s good enough for me.
Day by day.
I don’t want to be alone anymore. I know you’re out there though, just waiting for me to make you happy. That’s all I want is to make you happy, to see you smile. It doesn’t matter where you live, distance doesn’t matter to me. I’ll write you letters about random, pointless things and send you little gifts to show you that I’m thinking about you. Maybe I’ll even send you one of my favorite hoodies.
We can have skype dates and late night phone calls and just talk for hours about anything and everything. I don’t care what we talk about as long as I get to hear your voice.
Should I be lucky enough to find you in this god forsaken place, I want to take you out. I want to go out to dinner, although maybe instead I’ll make you food, and we can watch old disney movies and Glee or Legend of Korra or Avatar if you like those shows, they’re my favorites. We can watch hilarious YouTube videos on Lovebug (my laptop). If you like video games as much as I do, or even at all, maybe we could play together. I’m a huge dorky nerd, but maybe you’ll like that. I hope you will.
I want to pick you up in my car and just drive, wherever the road takes us, just to listen to music on my amazing sound system and get away for a while. I’m kind of an audiophile, I love music. I know everyone says that… unless they don’t like music, but I’m a straight up music junkie. I can’t live without it. I’ll go crazier.
I say crazier because… I’m bipolar. I get depressed a lot and very easily and sometimes it gets really bad and sometimes I get extremely hyper and happy (and annoying) for no apparent reason. I guess it’s a part of who I am and always will be, like being gay… I’ve been suicidal before. I’m a cutter, but trying to stop. I have scars all over, which makes me wonder if anyone will every be able to really love me, but maybe you will look past it and see who I really am. I hope.
Sometimes I get a bit crazy and I say things I don’t mean, but I would never intentionally hurt you with the things I say. I would never hurt you at all. If I say something to you that you don’t like I hope you’ll tell me so I won’t say it again.
I know I’m crazy, and pretty damaged, but I’m a very caring and loyal person. I just want you to accept me for who I am, try to make me a better person, and really let me show you the love that you deserve. I’m an extremely loving person and I want to show you that. I want to love you. If you let me, I will love and protect you like no one ever has :)
I just want someone to love…
No seriously I just want to have really rough sex right now. Somebody? Anybody?Can I get a beautiful lady in my bed right now?? *goes and checks*
FOREVER ALONE (
extremely horny) JORDAN
Just saw the doctor about getting bloodwork done to check my Lithium levels. We gave my pediatrician a very thorough history of my mental health problems and the fact that my father molested me… Or rather my dad (step-dad) did haha. I piped in when I needed to. She was really nice, the doctor I mean. Mood wise I feel really good today so far. Physically, my body has pretty much just decided to give up on me :P wonderful.
In other news, my love life sucks as usual. Hopeless romantic, emphasis on hopeless. I expected this, yesterday Eff and I had a conversation full of extremely depressing things that I can’t remember.. At all. It was one of those conversations. I do remember however, her telling me that it’s not going to work out between us. I knew it was coming, so I was really just waiting. But then, she got my letter… In which I told her I’m falling for her. It’s the truth, I am. I’m trying desperately hard not to but I can’t help it… she texted me. Apparently it made her happy, I’m glad because that was my intent. I said “that doesn’t change anything though does it?” and she said she didn’t know. I’m so confused… But I won’t dwell on it. There’s no use. Whatever happens, happens.