My name is Jordan and this is my journal. It comes straight from the journal I keep with me at all times and write in everyday. Some things you should know. I am a girl. I am a lesbian. I love music. I'm a huge nerd. I suffer from general anxiety, OCD, and I have Bipolar II disorder (rapid cycling). Hence the journaling. I want to get better and this is my first step. Care to come on this journey with me? Welcome to the depths of my mind. Welcome To Insanity.
My girlfriend told me her best friend is constantly telling her that she thinks I’m cute XD
That was funny. It would have made my night if not for the fact that later my girlfriend got all adorably awkward because I was talking about taking a shower and walking out of the bathroom half naked XD
I. Love. Her.
She’s the reason my day turned around. Her and mass amounts of sugar lawl. Mm it’s sleepy time XD
Slept half the day away and then after a couple hours about 4 hours more because the thought “Oh Jordan you should totally OD on the new meds you were taking that fucked you up on just one pill.” I hoped sleeping would make it go away but I just feel about 5 times worse. I’m so angry and depressed even though about 30 hours about I was on stage singing in an amazing choir that I auditioned for and got into for the 3rd year in a row.
We were the last choir to perform and we killed it. Spending 9 hours one day and 7 hours the next learning music and singing with very little break time was worth it for the finale of our performance and the entire concert. One of the greatest moments of my life thus far.
Yet my mind is telling me to fucking off myself. I haven’t done a god damn thing today but sleep and separate out my clothes to be washed… I haven’t done any homework… My girlfriend vented to me and I should have been there to comfort her but instead I went off on a tangent about how “shitty” things are on my end. I’ve just been a complete ass because I’m depressed and that shouldn’t be an excuse. Which makes me want to down some pills even more so.
I’m just gonna take a shower and go to bed. ugh. Goodnight all.
I’m gay, a lesbian, a lover of the ladies.. And to the world the typical lesbian is short hair, men’s clothing.. butch women. Then there’s the apparently majestic “what? no, you’re not really a lesbian” lesbians who look like girls “should” look, femmes.
I guess I’d fit in the typical butch lesbian category. But the way I dress and the shortness of my hair have nothing to do with my sexuality.
I say these things because on average, people, the one’s closest to me included, believe that my boyishness is a part of my being gay.. No. This is why I don’t think it will be easy for them to understand.
Along with the fact that people don’t seem to understand the difference between sex and gender and that there are multiple genders, not just man and woman… I am about 97% sure that I am genderqueer.. I’ve thought about it a lot, looked up the gender spectrum, contemplated who I am and why I don’t really feel like a girl and don’t mind maybe even like it when people mistake me for a boy or tell me I look like one. I’ve talked to my girlfriend about it briefly.. Briefly because it didn’t take her long to go “yup you probably are”. I know I’m not trans, although it has crossed my mind and I’m oddly fascinated by ftm transgendered dudes. I like the body I was born in, my lady parts, it’s the conflict between man and woman going on in my head that throws me. I am a female, I am supposed to be a girl, but for the most part I like things typically considered for guys and my personality is very guyish. Which is why I believe myself to be genderqueer..
The dilemma I have is in explaining this to my family and maybe friends and should I even? I’d still go by the same gender pronouns. It wouldn’t change the way I am. Hopefully it wouldn’t change their views of me.. Should I even bother? Eh okay I guess what I’m trying to convey here is..
Let it be known Tumblr family, I’m genderqueer.
Things are starting to look up I think..
I’m confused about everything right now.
School feels like a lost cause and I almost hate it, when it used to be one of my greatest sources of happiness.
My mind just isn’t here. I can’t focus on anything ffs.
I appear to be coming out of my shell more, but I’m more internally isolated and conflicted than ever.
I’m cutting everyday again. Back to my legs where it isn’t really visible.. Because I’m lying about it. I’m hiding again.. I just feel empty. I’m regressing, and I want to be healthy and kick life’s ass… But I don’t want to at the same time. Part of me is comfortable being the way I am now. On the brink of throwing it all away.
I just want to be done.
What the fuck do I do?
You made it a month without cutting, that's amazing hun. Keep going. You're strong enough to do it. I believe in you. I love you.
:( sorry anon.. Today was supposed to be a month but I cut 2 days ago.. And I cut tonight. It broke my heart to read your message yesterday. I feel like I’ve let you down.. I’m not as strong as you think lovely. I may or may not know you *shrug* you’re anonymous, derp, but thank you and I love you too
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